Chomp, chomp….

 

Hhhh…. yes, folks.  That is a picture of the nails on my left hand.  I’m a nail biter.  Always have been and always will be.  I’m not sure when this habit started, I just know I was really young when it did.  My Mother said my Dad was a nail biter so that is likely where I got it from.  However, in hindsight, I’m pretty sure I got the nasty habit from her.  Well okay, maybe not from her but because of her.

If you follow my blog, you may have read the blog in which I discussed my childhood growing up and being a victim of child abuse at the hands of my Mother.  I’m pretty sure my childhood brought about this nasty little habit.  I’m a reformed nail biter though and only seem to bite in times of stress.  

I quit this ugly “habit” my sophmore year in high school and it wasn’t easy.  I saved up my allowance and bought all these nail products like nail strengthener, nail growth, and nail bite no more.  I was tired of hiding my fingers to the world and so done with being jealous of my friends pretty long nails.  So I decided I was going to kick the habit.  And I did.

It remains one of my greatest triumphs to this day if I’m to be completely honest.  I’m sure you’re wondering why it is I consider it to be a triumph when I still clearly bite my nails, right?  Simple.  Because prior to that time, I always chomped on my nails and I couldn’t or wouldn’t stop.  But one day I just decided to quit cold turkey and I was sucessful.

The only time I bite my nails these days are due to times of stress.  You see, when I get severely stressed, my body reacts in some certain way.  When I was 13 years old, I stopped having my period for nearly a year until I was finally (and thankfully) removed from my Mother’s house.  I chomped on my nails because I lived in constant fear of when the next beating would come.  I would get these horribly, horrific rashes on my skin that the doctor’s could never figure out what they were.  No amount of creams would get rid of the rash and so I would live with digging at my skin to try to relieve some of the itchiness these rashes would bring.  I was a medical mess.

But then I was moved into a foster home that would eventually become my forever home (they took guardianship of me) and these things changed.  The period came back (woo hoo?), the rashes mysteriously disappeared but the nail biting remained.  At that point in my life, it was a bit of a security blanket so I didn’t really know how to stop.

So after years of biting non-stop, I now only bite when I’m stressed.  There are levels of stress too.  Like I might only chew on 1 nail and then I’m good.  Then I might chew off all of my nails, realize what I’m up to and stop altogether.  There are times where I need the yucky bite no more stuff on my nails to make it stop but then there are other times…  These are the times when I don’t care how awful the bite no more stuff tastes, I bite right through it all.  Once I hit that point, there is only one thing I know I can do to make it stop sooner rather than later.  It’s time to go to my nail salon and get the fakers put on.  

Having fake nails on really helps because even I can’t chew through those bad boys.  It’s not that I don’t try to, it’s just that I can’t.  So because of this, over time, I start putting my fingers to my mouth to bite less and less until I don’t do it anymore.  Then the fake nails begin to get on my nerves and that is when I know it’s okay to have them removed.  So I do and then I’ve kicked the nasty habit again.  

Right now, I’m in the midst of a combination of bite no more and regular clear polish to stop the habit.  So far it’s working.  

Oh there is a medical term for this condition as well and it’s called Onychopaghia.  With more and more research, they’re actually placing nail biters into the “OCD” category.  This I find funny because though I refer to it as a bad habit, I knew it was more than that.  When you realize that your bad habit only comes during times of stress or anguish, you decide at that point it’s likely more of a mental issue.  So the fact that scientists are now just deciding to call it a mental disorder is funny to me.  Maybe I missed my calling as a scientist?

My oldest was a nail biter and he’s managed to quit and my other 2 children show no signs of nail biting.  Truth be told, I’m always telling my younger 2 to please clip their claws and talons.  They could use a little nail biting in their life if you ask me.

Someday, I hope to never have to deal with this issue again but until then, I will single-handedly keep the nail business successful.  

NellaMae B.

Maya….

What a wonderfully wise woman she was….

With your permission, may I please be Native American?

With your permission, may I please be Native American?.

Hi Friends! This is the story of my neice and sister and her graduation from high school a week ago. She is Native American and ran into some difficulties with her high school in Helena, MT because they wouldn’t allow her to wear an Eagle feather on her tassle because school policy states no representation of culture. I wrote this story on my blog because there were too many Native American Students who graduated this year who had to ask permission to represent their culture. Our family is trying to get this story out so that the Native American Class of 2015 doesn’t have to endure the same thing. Please feel free to share!

With your permission, may I please be Native American?

 

See the necklace above?  This necklace is a representation of compromise that should never have had to happen.  Oh sure, you look at it and see the absolute beauty that it is.  You know that the person that made this is a talented and skilled individual.  You know that it represents a culture that is proud and strong in their beliefs and ways.  But never should it occur to you that it represents compromise.

One of my beautiful  neices (I’m blessed with plenty of beautiful neices) graduated from high school this year and as you might guess she is Native American.  To graduate is the first major accomplishment in our lives and one that should be celebrated and represented as we see fit.  My neice wanted nothing more than to represent her culture while celebrating this major milestone in her life.  So she asked for permission to wear an Eagle feather on her tassle.  This is in my opinion is the first of many travesty’s in this story that I will tell you.  Why should anyone have to ask permission to wear an Eagle feather?

In the Native American culture, an Eagle feather can symbolize many different things.  Wisdom, power, freedom, strength just to name a few.  Back “in the old days”, an Eagle feather was earned for couragous acts such as fighting a bear or an enemy.  To receive an Eagle feather was and still is a high honor.  A Native American wears their feather only when they are retelling their story of victory.  

So when you think about this piece of information, it would seem very appropriate for my neice to want to wear hers at her graduation, correct?  It also makes you wonder why she should have to ask permission to wear it as well?  She wasn’t asking to pack a gun on her person during her graduation.  No, she was asking persmission to wear an item in which she earned and one that represents her victory which was graduating from high school.  

The answer was no.  She wasn’t alone in this request either to wear a feather on her tassle at her graduation.  My sister’s family lives in Helena, MT and it’s pretty safe to assume that there are a handful of Native Americans that can be found in Montana.  So it’s not as if she lives in an area where Native Americans are rare and their ways are unknown.  So it was expected that she wouldn’t be the only individual with this desire.

Nonetheless the answer was still no.  Her and her friends had to work hard to get the school to compromise and it was decided amongst them that if the school didn’t see fit to meet in the middle some way, they wouldn’t walk at their own graduation.  So finally the school relented and allowed them to wear the feather and show it outside their cap and gown but as a peice of jewelry.  So my sister made the beautiful necklace seen above for her to wear and she wore it with pride.

This is a beautiful ending to this story correct?  No it’s not at all.  When graduation day came imagine their surprise when they saw a student allowed to wear his turbin rather than his graduation cap and tassle.  The reason he was allowed to wear the turbin rather than the cap and tassle was because it represented his culture and his beliefs.  My neice and her friends weren’t allowed to wear a feather on their tassle because school policy states that culture representation is not allowed.  I’m now seeing that the school didn’t compromise with them, in fact my neice and her friends had to compromise with the school.  They had to compromise their culture, their beliefs, and their heritage.  They had to compromise their pride in who they are and where they’re from.  They had to ask permissoin to be Native American on their graduation day.  To which the reply was, “Yes you can be Native American on this day but we will only allow you to do so in a small way.”  

This angers me immensely and I cannot believe that in the year 2014 we are still having these types of issues.  There was another article where this was an issue at another school in California but in that story, the high school granted full permission for the student(s) to be Native American.  I’ve never been an individual that holds the past mistakes of the American history against today’s people.  I’ve always believed that yes, we as a people, were severely wronged but there is no sense in dwelling on the past because the best path is the one that moves forward.  Yet here we stand asking for the permission to be proud and share who we are.  

I recently chaparoned a field trip for my youngest’s class and we went to the IMAX theater to watch the story of Lewis and Clark.  Part of the trip it showed how Lewis and Clark would meet with Chief’s from tribes met along the way and present them with a medal and notify them that their land now belonged to the American Government.  I remember shaking my head and laughing because of the absurdity of it all.  I will not lie, I did feel some anger but I chose to focus on the absurdity of it.  Think of it this way, you’re sitting on your couch in your home reading a book wearing pj’s when you hear a knock at the door.  You get up to answer the door and the person walks right in and sits on your couch and informs you that your home now belongs to them and in return here is a $10 gift card as a thank you.  You will be allowed to still live in your home but it will be necessary for you to ask for permission before you do certain things in your home such as wear your pj’s.  Additionally, there may come a time where you will be told to leave your home but you will be given another place to live.  It won’t be as comfortable and as nice as where you currently live and you will only be allowed to take what you can carry but nonetheless be grateful that you will be given a place elsewhere to live.  

Absurd right?  Infuriating, correct?  Feeling indignant and ready to fight this individual and tell them to get out of your house and you most certainly will not be told to leave and live elsewhere yet?  Welcome to the history of Native Americans.  But I’m not writing this to rehash the past and throw our fists in the air and cry revolution. No I’m writing this to show that while we have come far, we’re still so very far from being of equal minds.  

In no way am I saying that kid wearing the turbin should not have been allowed to wear it but let’s be realistic here.  His culture didn’t originate in this country but my neices did.  She should never have had to ask permission to be Native American that day and she should never have had to compromise her beliefs.  My sister and her family are going to work on making sure this doesn’t ever happen again at this school and I’m right behind her in assisting with that as well.

You see, the school’s biggest mistake was thinking it was superior in it’s beliefs and rules.  The school was wrong in believing that they had any authority in matters such as these.  The school is definitely wrong in thinking that they will be allowed to get away with this.  The school is wrong if they believe that they are dealing with a family that will just roll over and be done with it all.  For the graduates of the Class of 2015, asking for permission to be proud of who you are and celebrate it will be a thing of the past.

NellaMae B. 

 

 

Getting it right… FINALLY….

 

 

Okay so I’ve been talking about some changes I’m making and how I’m excited to share them. Well, I’m finally ready to share them with y’all. As most of you know I’ve been going to school to become a Certified Medical Coder and Biller. Mostly to become a coder because I’m better at that than as a biller. But earlier this year, the government made some changes that affected my choice in career. So it’s been a really difficult thing for me to deal with knowing that my career was going to be on delay until further notice but I was still going into debt.

What some of you don’t know is that I took a job since I started running out of money to get the bills paid. It’s nothing glamorous at all and not really worth sharing. I decided with school schedule and the fact that I wanted to still be home during the days and available to my kids that I would work graveyard. It’s actually been harder on my schedule and I’m probably less available than if I worked during the day.

As all of you have probably seen I decided to bite the bullet earlier this year and become a Beachbody Coach. I wanted to hold myself accountable and lose all this unneeded weight and get off all my medications that I was on due to a my previous stressful job. Additionally I decided to start running again and begin training for a half marathon.

SO now onto the big changes. This year has been quite the journey for me and as I go along I realize that what is most important is doing what makes you happy. If you continue to do what you feel you must rather than what you heart knows you want, it will affect all areas of your life. The biggest example of this is when I finally chose to throw in the towel and quit my job of 7+ years. I had spent the last 3-4 years allowing the place to toxify my entire life. To the point where it consumed every single part of my life and I lived, breathed and talked nonstop about how unhappy I was about it. Furthermore I put my all into the place and then lots more. Well the stress level had increased so much that my health started going downhill not in the small little ways it had been but in major ways. So it was time to leave and that was a great long time coming choice. The reason I decided to go back to school to become a medical biller and coder was due to continued frustration at my current workplace. I was tired of being continuously asked to be involved and put in additional effort and time but for free and without the perks that I saw others get who did far less. So I wanted an out and chose this path because it was that out and I knew that it would help me in daily health struggles and also with my future goal. So below are the following changes I have made in the last week:

1. Still a Beachbody Coach but I’ve been failing at it and more than anything failing at myself. I accomplished the goal of getting off all my medications but I’m still so far from my personal health goals and that’s my fault. So I’m putting my whole heart into fully succeeding at getting my health back.

2. I’m making it a personal mission to help stop the disease known as Diabetes that affects so many of my Native Brother and Sisters. My steps in this endeavor will be small but they will be mighty because it’s all I know how to do. But I’m no longer going to sit idly by and watch so many people be affected by it. I’m thankful for Beachbody and the amazing people I’ve met because I know that with it, it will make this goal doable.

3. I’m currently actively looking for another job and making it a day job. It will not be my future but it will get the bills paid.

4. I’ve decided, after much thought and consideration, to be done with school. This is my last attempt at going back and I promise that I will not go back to school unless it’s to work towards my desire. I’ve unenrolled and it’s actually been a huge relief. 3rd time is not the charm unless you’re doing it to work towards what you love.

5. My final change and one that has been a personal dream of mine that I’ve shared but never really worked towards is this.. I’m going to write. I’m going to do so in many small ways and I’m going to focus on my blog that I love to spend so much time on but haven’t been able to lately. This blog will focus on areas of my life and not just my health path. But I’m not talking about just blogging, I’m going to write a book. I’ve had an idea for years about a book that I have yet to see and I’m going to just do it. I will not have a specific genre that I write about but I will just write what intrigues me and hope that it intrigues others. Some of you mentioned that you would read my stuff if I actually wrote and I intend to take you up on that offer because I’m going to need some beta readers. I’m in character development stages right now and I’m giddy.

People, we’re put on this planet for a reason, while it may take us a long time to figure out that reason it’s importaint to remember one thing. Happiness is the most important thing you can achieve and continue to strive towards every day of your life. Rather than choosing to walk the path of “just getting it done one miserable step at a time” choose to walk the path that might be harder both physically, mentally, and emotionally but most rewarding. What makes you happy and why does it make you happy? Does your happiness impact anyone else or just yourself? Do you know your bliss and are you working towards it everyday?

Well I have known my bliss for many years but never really believed that I could have it. But that is no longer the case my friends. I hope you follow me on this journey of mine. It’s going to be full of ups and downs but what’s a ride if it isn’t full of ups and downs? Boring! That’s what it is.

Nella

Zen

I know it’s been awhile but I’m making some changes and I’ll be back in full action. Keep posted cause I’m getting ready to announce my new path and I cannot be more excited. 🙂

And so it begins… Again

Well as you all know this blog is about my journey in finding my health both physical and emotional.  I had such great success with the 21 Day Fix that I am getting ready for summer by doing a Summer Smackdown Challenge Group.  This group has a lot of Beachbody Coaches in it as well as customers and it’s a huge group so I’m pretty excited to be part of it.  I am doing the T25 Focus and my goals this time around are much loftier than when I made them for 21 Day Fix.  With 21 Day Fix is was all about just introducing activity and healthy eating choices into my life again because I had strayed from the path big time.  But with T25, it’s about being intense and making significant changes in my body.  I lost a lot of inches (fat) in my first challenge but with this one, I’m going for inches, weight and DEFINITION.  I want some tone to my body!!  However, whatever the outcome is I’m going to be happy.  Today is actually Day 2 of my challenge and the workout was a beast but I was so happy that I never had to stop once during the workout.  I did have to do some adjusting to some of the moves but I didn’t need to do all modified and that is a win in my book.  🙂  What have you done today towards your own fitness goals?  Down below is my Day 1 All Body Picture shot. Can’t wait to share the weekly changes.  🙂

T25 Alpha Cardio

Time to start posting pics of me glistening like a pig.

Let go…

This isn’t easy to do really. After sharing my story of my abusive childhood, I’ve been having a hard time dealing with feelings that I pushed down for so long. But like with everything else bad in my life, I’m saying goodbye to it.

A year ago…

It’s amazing how much a year can change a person.  This time last year is when I started having serious problems with migraines and tension headaches.  I was having some vertigo issues as well that resulted in a few doctor’s appointments and with that came the first round of medications that I was prescribed.  They didn’t really do much in the way of helping me but they sure did help keep my bank account low.

It had been a rough month really so I just assumed that most of my health issues at that point had something to do with personal issues.  My Grandpa had died a month before that and his memorial was hard.  It was very heartbreaking really because I met so many people whose lives were touched in some way by my Grandpa.  I got to see lots of family members I hadn’t seen in years, most since I was a child.  I also got to see some family members I work hard to not see.  But I felt the finality of the impromptu family reunions I had with my Aunt, Uncle and Grandma.  My Aunt and Uncle are some of my most favorite people in the entire world and I’ve known them my entire life. They are my Grandpa’s son and daughter and they always felt more like siblings.  But we spent so much time in hospitals when Grandpa was having heart issues that they just kind of became times that we got to catch up on each others lives.

Work was crazy insane at the time as well. I had been recruited to be part of a major project and it took more time than I originally thought it would take.  Our team was really shorthanded as well and so with my absences from the project that I was working on, personal illnesses, and family issues, it was beginning to take it’s toll.

I was putting on more weight and though I was on anti-depressants to fight anxiety, I was a big lump of stress.  I wanted a new job but I was stuck because I was responsible for kids and seemed to be the only one responsible enough to make sure they were being taken care of.  I kept trying for different jobs but after every single interview I sat in a room or at my desk reading or hearing, “You did really well in your interview and in fact did the best and have the most qualifications over the other candidates.  We know how much work you’ve put into the company as well but we’ve decided to go another way.  I really don’t think this position is a good fit for you and feel like you would probably be better in another department that focuses on your strong analytical skills.  This job would just be boring for you.”  Grr!!  Still to this day it irritates me to think about it but oh well.  My future wasn’t with that company any longer and I was just slow to coming to that realization although the company had made up their mind anyhow.

You see, I was in a job that I put too much time and effort into even though it wasn’t returning the favor.  I was free, cheap labor that they could use to implement all these ideas and plans but not have to worry about paying me for what I was worth.  They knew I would show up to work and nearly kill myself every day to meet the goals.  That I would willingly come in on the weekends and work 4-5 hours as well.  As long as they kept saying how much of a “leader” I was and showed some interest in my ideas, they knew I would stay.

It’s been a year and I’m no longer with that company.  After many health issues and the company’s obvious choice to not try to work with me in any way to keep working for them, I finally decided to resign.  It was the best decision ever because at that point, I wasn’t sleeping sometimes for a couple days at a time, my migraines were debilitating and I was heavier than ever.  I couldn’t function and I hadn’t been able to attend work in a couple months.  Every single time I tried to go to work, I would end up back in bed the next day for another week due to migraines.  

Today I am nearly migraine free.  I no longer am a slave to medications that didn’t do anything besides poison my body.  I’m sleeping well and no longer go days without sleeping.  I’ve nearly wiped out my savings and am on my way to being broke but I’m happy.  I decided to take back my life and become a Beachbody Coach.  It’s keeping me accountable to my health and dreams.  I’ve made so many friends who have had some terrible experiences in their lives as well that made them choose a different way.  I’m inspired daily by what they overcome and how they live.  

I’m not 100% and I still have inches to lose before I’m fully there.  I still slip up and eat things I probably shouldn’t eat and sometimes, I’d rather just lie around watching TV rather than get a workout in.  But at least these slips don’t define my life every single day like they did before.  All it took was one day realizing that I was worth more than what my environment seemed to feel I was worth.

Are you happy with your life right now?  If there was one thing you could change today, what would it be?

NellaMae B.